Why do we do what we do and what can we do about it?

Comment by Lisa Newton on March 30, 2008 at 10:40pm

Serenity, I can totally understand your situation, because I've been there. Waking up each morning with a new set of goals, and then as the day progresses, watching them crumble like a house of cards. What I discovered is that my goals were too large for me to accomplish all at one time. I need small goals to actually see the big picture.

To get myself out of this situation, I did two very important things. First, I put down on paper where I wanted to be in the next year; job, personal relationships, exercise, fitness, weight, etc. I pictured the best possible me in one year's time. I didn't dream, but thought realistically.

Second, I set goals to get me where I wanted to go, and more importantly put these goals down on paper. In a year from now, I will:

1.
2.
3.
4.

Then, I put set each of these goals on a small month to month scale, using a calendar. My mind was focused on the small goals but with the larger goals in the back of my mind. As time went by, I reassessed my goals, but always with the big picture in mind. Through this process, I was able to attain success.

I noticed from your profile, you're a fan of Creed. I've also heard Creed many times, but as is common with me, I don't listen to the lyrics often enough. So, to give you a little inspiration, I thought I search and find a song that might give you a little more inspiration, and low and behold, I found Creed:

When dreaming I'm guided through another world
Time and time again

At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
'Cause I don't wany to leave the comfort of this place

'Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape
From the life I live when I'm awake

So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay

Can you take me higher?
To the place where blind men see
Can you take me higher?
To the place with golden streets

Although I would like our world to change
It helps me to appreciate
Those nights and those dreams
But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights
If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same
The only difference is
To let love replace all our hate

So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?

Up high I feel like I'm alive for the very first time
Up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine


You are strong enough to make your dreams. I believe in you and your abilities.

I hope this helped. I look forward to hearing about your progress. BTW, I'm so glad you asked for help from Iowa Avenue. That's what we're here for..........................:)

Comment by Metroknow on March 31, 2008 at 1:09am

Wow, how do you follow Lisa on that one - I mean making Creed an inspiration? Very cool stuff.

Serenity, I'm certainly no expert here, but there are two things that immediately strike me as familiar challenges: a) your expecting negative reinforcement to cause change for the positive and punishing yourself an awful lot (as some would say, "How's that workin' for ya?", and b) as crazy as this might sound, I think you're trying a little too hard, meaning you are trying to change too much, too fast, resulting in what you consider failure.

On the first one, although most of us grew up with the punishment/reward cycle, and it does have its place, for me at least it has been the biggest detriment to successful long term weight loss. You are putting too much thought into what you haven't been able to do, and punishing yourself for it over and over again every time you don't live up to your expectation. Although its not easy, you've got to let go of your past less successful patterns and say, "you know what? the rest of my life is what matters." Ending the guilt and punishment goes a long way toward stepping forward out of the sand pit.

Second, I think you're in the classic "immediate results" mindset (at least that's how I think of it). You are expecting too much change all at once, because you can't wait to be thinner. The trick is to stop that cycle too, and realize that making very mild, moderate changes that you can live with on a daily basis are what will ultimately lead to success. And I do mean minor. Things that barely feel like change at all - the trick there is to spread them out over a much longer period of time so that it doesn't feel like you've given up anything!

Here's a starting point:
1. This is the most important step: Do not start dieting. Nobody says you have to, and if you are not in that space mentally, own the space you are in, meaning you have to be good with yourself before you're really ready to make a change in course.
2. When you are ready, take a week and write down everything you eat and drink in detail, including when and why you ate, how much, how it made you feel. Don't worry about "should have or shouldn't have." The important thing is honesty, and its only for you, so its OK. This is not to make you feel bad about what you ate; you have to look at it as an experiment, like, "Hmm. I've always assumed that I'm in this position because I eat X. Maybe I'm missing something simple that I haven't thought of yet." -- its science class with no grades.
3. After a week, look at the list, and think to yourself, was there anything on this list that I could really have lived without? If so, try removing it from what you do the following week. Example: chips at 2:30? I didn't really need them. I could have had an apple if I felt like it, or maybe I was just thirsty. Even better example: That soda with dinner? make it an Iced Tea with Real Sugar. Two sugar packets is about all of 28 calories. It's a far cry from the couple of hundred in a regular soda.
4. Now that I've mentioned the calories in sugar, here's the next one: Don't count calories! It's not necessary if you're looking at your diet from a macro perspective and making minor adjustments. If you are in psycho weight loss mode, then yeah, count 'em up. But that doesn't work for 95% of us, and our rate of "failure" with diets is proof. But that's just my opinion.
5. After you get used to the one minor change (meaning do it for a week or two, whatever feels good), then look at the list again, and find another thing. Something small. Lather, rinse repeat.
6. While you think about the minor changes and try a few, here and there, start looking too at your passive exercise habits. When you go to the store, where do you park? Do you spend an extra minute driving in circles to find a closer spot? Save that minute and park as far away as you can - make it a game in fact. The extra walk may not add up to 45 minutes on a stairmaster, but guaranteed its more than you got when you were parking as close to the handicapped spaces as possible. Do that a few times a week if you can.

By the way, these are just beginning steps to break you out of the cycle of inaction. Ultimately what you're doing here is easing your way out of bad habits, rather than jumping into the ice cold water with no intention of staying for any longer than you have to. Essentially you're taking your time so that the water has a little time to warm up for you, if I can stretch the metaphor.

The key with it is don't think of it as dieting, because its not. You simply do not have to diet to lose weight; you just have to be more aware of what, how, and why you eat, and make minor adjustments spread out over time. Add in some exercise at a moderate level, and you're on your way out of the sand pit.

Comment by Amelia on March 31, 2008 at 4:53pm

Wow. WOW!
U guys really are the greatest! Thank u. Thank u. Thank u.

Everyone else outside cyberworld just couldnt get it. It seemed so simple to them to just stop eating and start doing the things that work.

So it means the world to me to have ppl that understand and can even explain to me why I feel the way I do...and more importantly, what to do about it.

Lisa, I love how u managed to include creed so the message will resonate more. lol. You're a real darling.

Metroknow, thank u so much for explaining it to me. I've been thinking about what u wrote all day and yes, it does seem so much easier to go ahead and make little changes than wait for the big day of changes.

Sheila and Christine, it always help to hear how others have handled and are handling similar situations. Like I said before, sometimes it just feels so good to know that somewhere, someone understands what its like and its not always about just not eating.

I have to admit, appreciating that this is a lifelong process of baby steps and longterm goals is hard. Like Metro said, I want results now! I like Lisa's idea of think one year down the line. I could do that. I just have to set realistic goals. So what are realistic goals? How much weight should I aim to lose per month? Should I even look there yet? Should I be concentrating on small changes towards a healthier lifestyle and just forget about weightloss for now? What do u guys think?

Comment by David on March 31, 2008 at 7:34pm

I think you should try the small steps first. No matter how trivial they might seem to you. From there, you will be able to build upon the previous steps taken. I know it's a cliche, but the longest journey starts with the first step. Like Lisa suggested, I think a good course of action for you would be to set out a few small objectives in writing, and then proceed to do those.

Comment by Metroknow on March 31, 2008 at 8:08pm

I agree with David. You should focus on a very small change or two, something that seems trivial even, but with the goal of building it into your routine. It's the old "take the stairs instead of the elevator" advice. The idea is to add little things over time that add up to a longer term impact. From my perspective, don't even worry about losing weight right now. Focus on your health and why life is worth living for as long as you possibly can. Make a small change or two for that reason. Then when its a habit, make another one, all the while focusing on improving your health, not losing weight. When the time is right to focus on weight, you'll be mentally ready.

As you can tell, I'm not of the boot camp philosophy (anymore). It simply doesn't work in the long run for 95% of us, because we're focusing on the wrong thing.

For me, I wasn't ready to commit to changes until sometime last year really. I've been struggling with this problem since I was 7 years old, in one way or another, and I've tried and tried to force myself to do it year after year, failed diet plan after failed diet plan, and it wasn't until sometime last year that I was mentally ready to try to NOT diet, but improve my health through livable changes. Which, as a nice side effect, has meant dropping pounds.

Don't be in a huge rush - its the biggest mistake most of us make for the long run. Unless you enjoy the emotional rollercoast of succeed and fail, in which case, go for it. :)

Comment by Amelia on March 31, 2008 at 11:07pm

Thanks again folks for the advice. I'll let u know how it goes. :)

Comment by David on April 1, 2008 at 9:13am

Your welcome, Serenity, thank you for sharing what's going on w you, Everyone's comments have been great. I think to aptly sum it up--I think inactivity has innate problems that breeds more. Sometimes in life it's the small things that are hardest.

Comment by Lisa Newton on April 1, 2008 at 9:23am

What an impressive thread. Please don't feel any shame in posting here. Iowa Avenue was designed for the ups and the downs. Making changes in life isn't always the easiest thing to do, so I know there will be good days and bad days. In fact, learning often begins with the mistakes we make. So, I look forward to reading your updates and learning from them...................:)

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