Who I Am - continued

The psychiatrist told me that I was one of the worst cases he had seen. I got out of the hospital and started outpatient treatment. I was in a group and for the 1st and only time in my life my shell began to crack. But, my insurance said I had reached my limit and so treatment last only a few more weeks.
My point is that I have lived for my children. I am not alive because of my will to live - but for my children. I have spent my life living for them. Now alone I am trying to figure out how to live for me. How to want to live for me.
I no longer consider suicide. I would never do that.--------- In reality that is what I am doing - by letting my health go I am killing myself. I am just doing it in a more acceptable and subtle way.

Comment by SpinDiva on June 18, 2008 at 11:40am: Lori,
I can't say that I understand completely how you feel because my kids are still at home. However, I did find myself doing for them and not for me to the point where I was not caring for myself as I should. I would take on projects at work, take on school activities but it was all to keep me from doing anything for me or facing my own realities. Thankfully I caught my problems early enough to change the behavior.

I realized that the best way to care for my kids and to show my love for my family is to take care of myself first. I am no good to them if I'm depressed, sad, unhappy. Even though your kids are grown up, they still need to see that you love them and you need to show them that love by continuing on this path of self awareness, taking care of your health, your heart, you life.

I can see just from what you wrote that you are a beautiful person and probably a lot of fun to be around. Like Sheila said, find a way to continue giving without borrowing from your time with "you". Volunteering in places where you are likely to be with other people, making a date with friends to go on a girls retreat overnight or simply going out to eat once a week, once a month--some social event to look forward to and where you can vent your frustrations, share your pain and your happy moments too. Chances are you will find someone who has similar feelings or circumstances.

I always tell my husband that he should be thankful I tell my friends everything, otherwise we would not be married anymore-- I do this because it helps me to see that I'm not alone in my journey through life and there are many other military wives/moms out there going through exactly the same thing as I--so that make sit easier to deal with and gives us a reason to go out and celebrate "life"!

Good Luck to you and don't let go of yourself--hold on tight! We're here for you!

Comment by Jody on June 18, 2008 at 6:47pm: Lori,

Your posts really touched me. By sharing them, you've proved that you do want to live. You do want to make changes and take care of yourself. It's important to have time to yourself, to take care of yourself, and explore yourself. But it's also really important to have support. Like SpinDiva said, we're all here for you.

Where I live, there are lots of groups on meetup.com that you can join - groups of people with a common interest, like knitters, pug owners, moms, etc. You can check the website and see if there are meetups in Fort Wayne, too. It's a great way to get out and meet new people and do something you enjoy, or talk about things that interest you, or just commiserate about a common issue.

Keep at it!

Warmly,
Jody